Today as I arrived at therapy I was feeling defeated and almost miserable. It’s been a very long week of being sick and work has been very busy on top of it. I just started thinking about how I really didn’t need to get sick on top of everything else that I am going through. It screwed up my eating, sleeping, exercising, and my medicine. Everything that I’ve been working so hard to regulate.
I started my session simply by whining. There’s no other way to put it. I just needed someone to sit there and have some empathy for all that I was going through. My therapist did just that. While we were talking, I said to her, “why does everything seem so much harder for me than others.” She responded with something very simple, “maybe He chose you to go through this for a reason.”
While I was still in the mood to drown myself in self-pity I didn’t think too much of it. All day long I kept myself there treading water…thinking about how bad I have it and how things aren’t changing fast enough. It was negative thought after negative thought.
I got home tonight and asked Matt if he wanted to go to church. Every Wednesday night a campfire service is held complete with communion at our church. Since I was sick this weekend, we missed church on Sunday.
We were a bit hesitant about bringing Owen to an outdoor service where he could have a lot of fun running around, but we chanced it. I’m so glad we did. I needed to hear the message tonight. The sermon tonight was based off of John 15:2: He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
I sat there and listened and knew that the message was meant for me to hear tonight. God is pruning me. He’s taking away all of the “branches” that aren’t bearing fruit or being useful. It may be painful, but I know that He’s doing this all for my good.
This got me thinking about my therapist’s earlier comment. I do believe that God has chosen me to walk this journey for a reason, but more so for a purpose. I’m not supposed to sit back and just let these things happen. I’m supposed to learn from them and help others. I’m supposed to fight for what I know is right and not give up until it’s done. I’m supposed to give a voice for mental illness that usually goes quiet.
As I continue to walk through this season of pruning, I’m going to change my perspective. Instead of poor me, I’m going to say, I’m chosen. I’m chosen for a reason. God has trusted me with this lesson and I will not let him down, no matter how painful the journey is. God has equipped me with what I need and I have to hold on and have faith. Better days are ahead.
If anyone is out there walking a path that really doesn’t seem right, or straight, step back. Step back and listen to your narrative. Are you throwing yourself a pity party like I was all day, or are you acknowledging that you have been chosen. God passed up a lot of other people before He to got you and now He’s trusting you to do something with your experience. Know that you are never alone and that God does not give you anything that you can’t handle.
Three items I’m grateful for:
– My coworkers – I don’t feel coworkers is even the right word. They are friends and some are more like family. I’m truly blessed to spend 40 hours a week with them.
– My pup, I know I’ve said this before, but she never left my side once while I was sick. She is so loyal and shows me everyday what unconditional love is.
– The opportunity to try again. Even if today wasn’t great. Tomorrow could be.