Where to start, its been 20 months in the making to get to this point. I realize most people are private about their journeys, but something inside wants me to share about mine and hopefully in return, I can help others or just let them know they are not alone. I’m not looking for sympathy, there are people way worse off than me in this world and we are fortunate enough to have been blessed with one little miracle already, miss Payton. All I ask for is to be added to your prayers – that the doctors and God can lead us in the right direction and in the end we will be able to make sense of this. I do also think it is important for people to be educated on this topic.
Infertility is such a tough subject. This isn’t how the female reproductive system is supposed to work. You’re preached your entire life about using protection and getting on the pill and spend half of your early adult life doing everything you can trying to avoid pregnancy. Who knew when the time came it was going to cause such pain and heartache in your life. The emotional rollercoaster that infertility causes is truly indescribable. Months and months of hoping, praying, peeing on pregnancy sticks, using ovulation kits, checking your temperature – all just to see a big fat negative. You have absolutely NO control and that’s the hardest part. Then each month you regain hope and get excited again. You look for signs – you ask God everyday for signs. You ask why me, what did I do to deserve this? You continually look for answers during this journey only to be let down month after month. The torture of your 3 yr old asking you everyday when she gets a baby sister or brother, people in your everyday life asking when you are “popping out another kid.” It truly is such a disrespectful comment and only people going through infertility truly understand. Thankfully, I have enough faith that I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I know God will praise us with another child when the time is right – even if we happen to feel that time is now.
After 20 months of trying, several rounds of clomid, and various tests, today we had our first visit at RMIA. It was a 3 hour consultation and extremely overwhelming. We thought we would be in an out in an hour, what were we thinking! All that was going through my head was why and wow this is a lot to handle – along with dollar signs. Each “line item” they guide you through, $500.00 here, $3,000 here $5,000 there, the list goes on. I know technology is an amazing thing and we are lucky these procedures even exist, but why can’t this happen to millionaires if it has to happen. (not that I would wish this against my worst enemy). To have to fork over this type of money to have a baby when everyone else gets to have them for free?? How unfair. But hey, life isn’t always fair. Just as we try and teach that to Payton, we need to follow the same advice.
Thankfully after 3 hours, we left with some direction and next steps, baby steps, that hopefully lead to the end goal. We will take each day at a time, and each month at a time. We are blessed enough to live super busy lives – our minds are always fully occupied with jobs we love and activities with Payton that don’t give us much time to sit around and think. For some reason being in that clinic today was very comforting – gave me realization I’m clearly not alone in this. One after another, young women were walking in and out of the clinic right along with me. Ultrasounds, blood checks, injections, etc. were all taking place. All of these poor girls, were going through the very same heartbreak. But at the same time, hope restores in us as we enter the doors. These amazing doctors main job is to get us pregnant and they darn well are going to do their best to accomplish that.
I know life can be unfair and doesn’t seem to make sense sometimes. Our family has witnessed first hand enough of that this summer. After seeing close family members battle for their lives with cancer, I know life can be worse. Am I thankful for my health, my family, my 3 yr old – Absolutely, 100%. But that doesn’t make going through unexplained infertility any easier. So all I ask is that you keep Joe and I and Payton in your prayers as we go through this. And when you are impatient with your children, or crabby that their toys are all over the house, or you are sick of being 36 weeks pregnant and feel the need to complain about it publicly, just remember that there are people in this world who would literally do anything to be in your shoes. Having children is a special gift that should never be taken for granted.
I’ll end it with a comforting verse my very best friend sent me this morning…
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”
I’m so lucky to have amazing friends. And I’m very lucky to have a supportive husband who is patient and understanding every step of the way. This can truly take a tole on a relationship and we have not let it interfere one bit. If anything, it’s made us closer and more open.
Tonight, hug your littles, your puppies, your hubbies or whatever makes you grateful in life and I’ll do that same with my sweet Payter!