Inadequate. Helpless. Unsure.
Words that seem to arise when people ask me how I, the husband in the relationship, have been dealing with our situation.
So, why? Is it because I’m not the one putting drugs into my body on a daily basis? I’m not the one having to check in at the clinic every few days/weeks? Is it because I feel like I messed up putting the needles in her a few times? I really feel like I’ve taken a back seat to letting my wife take care of her business.
There is a certain part of me that doesn’t even want to talk about it as I feel like IT consumes her. Eats at her. Nags at her. I see her reading books, educating herself, organizing group sessions of conversation and understanding.
Yet, there’s this part of me that is trying to think about keeping her mind in another place. Is my role to stay at bay and not bring it up, ever? Probably not, but it’s not any different than me not displaying my emotions. Yes, as the man, I tend to internalize things way more often in our relationship. Not the healthiest, but it’s my coping mechanism, a general weakness as the haughty man.
The truth of the matter, it’s as if, she has a renewed energy I hadn’t seen in a long time – passion for the process. She has embraced this idea that God has a plan. Patience and understanding are key to His plan.
Let’s just say I have areas of my improvement for myself in all of it. I constantly need to remind myself to be a better communicator. To inquire. To learn more. Instead of walking on eggshells through the process, maybe I could learn something from my wife. The ability to know that by embracing something so close to your heart, and all that it encompasses, can actually bring a greater peace of mind and understanding to your why.
Written By: Joe Janquart