I’ll start with saying I hope everyone had a very blessed holiday! I know if anything this journey has taught me the true meaning of the season and to appreciate everything I do have…a roof over my head, food on the table, supportive friends and family. My sister and I have always been fortunate to have a good amount of presents under the tree. This year it was hard for me to want to accept them. Honestly its more fun seeing the smile on our kiddos faces and teaching them about the birth of Jesus. Grandma Lou taught Payton all about baby Jesus when she was visiting last month and I have been trying to teach Payton about church and why we attend. She knows we pray a lot when we go there… On Christmas I asked her what she was going to pray for at church and her response was “cookies”. So it looks like we still have a little teaching to do 🙂
Since I’ve taken the road less traveled by sharing our infertility journey, I thought I’d give an update. I’ve had so many ask where we stand since my last post. Unfortunately, we had a failed IUI this past month. It was hard, very hard. You always envision how you are going to tell your husband, or how the timing couldn’t be any more perfect to have a Christmas wish come true and share the news with your family. I went in on Tuesday to take the blood test and I looked the nurse in the eye and said it’s ok, I already know its negative. I was going to try and wait it out and not take a pregnancy test, but I’m so glad I did. It really did help soften the blow when I got “the call” on Tuesday saying sorry your test came back negative. It gave me a day to process. To cry. To be angry. To ask why. To make sense of it. I’m not going to lie, it was a tough week. I’ve seen 16 pregnancy announcements on facebook in the last 10 days. 16!!! Am I happy for those people, of course. Am I jealous, of course. I thought about taking a break from social media. A few friends going through the same thing highly recommended it. But I just can’t. I have family near and far and I know they love to see photos and videos of Payton. It’s not fair to hide my family just because of what is going on in other peoples lives. I’ve said it before, but how do I know they didn’t have to go through the same thing? How do I know their journey wasn’t an easy one? I’m sure for some it was. Unfortunately, I just can’t say the same. So today I pray, that any of you having to see those posts and are sitting on the other side like I am, that you keep the hope and faith. Our time will come, and if anything, you will truly understand what a miracle and gift being a mother is. I’ve learned and continue to learn so much through my journey and about myself. I never knew how strong I could be, I’m a very emotional girl at heart. It doesn’t take much for me to get the tears flowing. And that’s ok. So if you feel jealous, or sad, or angry…know that that’s completely fair and you deserve to feel all that and more, but please don’t give up.
So as for next steps, we will take the path of IVF. I couldn’t go through another round of IUI. The percentage is so low of it actually working and for a 15%, I couldn’t continue injecting myself with drugs and continuing to feel like crap everyday. For anyone reading this who has had to go through this, you know the time and work that goes into it. You are in and out of the doctor 2-3 times a week, injecting yourself with needles a couple times a week, going in to receive blood draws, ultrasounds, testing, the list goes on. Its absolutely draining on your mind and body. So I ask for anyone you know going through it, don’t ever tell them to “Relax and it will happen”. Relaxing is the last thing on your mind when you are trying to juggle all the things that go into this journey. We are taking the month off. Ironically you have to go on the pill to reset your cycle. After that, we will have our Program start meeting and set a target date for IVF. It’s all very exciting and stressful. The dollars we will have to hand over in the coming months is crappy and gut wrenching to think about, but again, I’m counting my blessings that we even get to take this step. So many don’t even get the opportunity at IVF because of the cost. It breaks my heart. It’s not fair. Insurance doesn’t cover a dime. But learning to trust the journey even when we don’t understand is half the battle.
So again thank you to my wonderful friends and family, especially my momma who always has the right thing to say. I could honestly go on and on about this topic. It intrigues and frustrates me more than anything and I want to help others as much as I can. Whether it’s educating those who fortunately will never have to experience it, or help those walking in the same path. I won’t give up…no matter what my purpose is for having to go through it…the last thing I will do is give up.
As my screensaver on my phone says…”If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting”
Hope you all have a Happy New Year. Prayers are appreciated as we embark on the next steps.