As most know, we went through our first try at IVF over the last month and a half. I’ll try and document most of what happened, most for my own reference to look back on someday, but know I will leave out much detail along the way- it’s a long process with many steps. It all started with a month of birth control. They put you back on this to restart and control your cycle. My first ultrasound back and trial transfer all looked and went great- no cysts and we were ready to roll. As I said last post, I truly began celebrating each appt, literally taking it a day at a time. Following that- I was ready to start the dreaded injections in the weeks to come. 3 shots a day for 10 days, followed by 4 shots for 3 days, taken along with a variety of oral medications. The doctor confirmed with me last week I was on 21 drugs. 21 drugs!, you heard it right. Unfortunately my husband is very fearful of needles so I was injecting myself everyday in the stomach by myself. It’s even more stressful having someone watch so I preferred no support in that daily task. I was truly fortunate not to have many side affects. I did end up getting thrush in my mouth from one of the antibiotics and that was no fun. They ended up getting me into the clinic to prescribe me some mouthwash that helped ease the pain of that. Other than that, everything seemed to be going exactly how they wanted it to.
Transfer day soon came and I will admit I was a little scared. I haven’t been under anesthesia since I got my wisdom teeth out in college. And when you are a parent, any surgery or process just seems scarier. They took my blood pressure and pulse before giving me the anesthesia and they were both through the roof. The nurse looked at me and asked if I was nervous. Well of course I am, what kind of question is that! She ignored it basically as she knew she wouldn’t get an accurate count. Honestly it’s more the anxiety and anticipation…all you want to know is how many eggs you have. And I’m sure any womanl that has had to go through this can attest to that. Before I knew it, I was being wheeled into the room for the procedure. I said hello to the doctor (who actually is a Timberwolves Client, so I knew I was in tremendous hands) and with a snap of a finger I was waking up in the recovery room asking, “How many were there?” Joe reassured me after he said I already asked 3 times – that there were 16. I was so relieved. 16! Amazing, I though right away- we have to have some good ones out of 16. The hardest part is the wait. The clinic doesn’t let you know the results of your embryos until your entire IVF cycle has been completed, where you then sit down with the embryologist to go over each one.
They do call you back to let you know how many they will freeze though. So I patiently waited while I was enjoying my 48 hours of bedrest. I received a call two days later letting me know they would transfer them back on day 3. My heart sank. You always heard how day 5 is better than day 3 and at day 5 your embryos have turned to the blastocyst stage and have a better chance of surviving. So then I became the a bit psycho googling every little webchat I could titled “Day 3 transfer success” Its like I needed reassurance that it could still happen. It was awful, I was stupid for letting my mind go right to a negative place. So we went in for the transfer and all goes fantastic. The Doctor said the two embryos they were inserting back in looked as good as they could get for day 3. That provided me with some hope and I left the clinic feeling great as I got to enjoy another 24 hours of bedrest. (And let me tell ya, I’m also not sure that hammering through 4 seasons of Parenthood was the best idea while on bedrest either. I was sobbing hysterically at the end of every episode and had no idea whether to blame that on my hormones or if that show is really that sad! Needless to say I only have one season left).
So all is well- until I get the call from the embryologist telling me none of my embryos made It far enough to freeze. Say what? Out of 16 eggs- none of them were good enough to freeze?? So where does my mind immediately go- to that negative place again. How in the heck are the two in me going to make it if none of the other 14 didn’t? But as my mother and everyone else told me, we just had to believe. We had to believe that we weren’t going to need any because the two in me were enough, and that they were all I was going to NEED! I had two perfect babies trying to implant in me. That was enough to get me through the next 7 day wait.
I had to wait the full 7 days to go in and get a blood test to check for positive pregnancy or not. They make you come in twice to make sure your levels are rising. (so they don’t tell you the result after the first blood test.) That was honestly the hardest three days I’ve probably every experienced. I went in on a Monday morning and headed to work after. A few hours later I started spotting. I immediately felt ill. I called the nurse and told her and she told me not to worry and that over 50% of pregnancies have spotting or start out with spotting. But for some reason for me, I knew that it was bad news. We all know our bodies best and I knew that I wasn’t going to be one of those special cases. I had my mind made up that I was not pregnant. I went out and bought a pregnancy test as I wanted to test before the next time I went in. I wanted to know myself. I waited until Wednesday morning to take it before going in for the second blood test. The test was immediately negative. I sat in the bathroom and cried, actually sobbed. Then headed out the door to the doctor so they could only reconfirm what I just saw on a stick. So for what could have turned out to be one of the most amazing days of our lives was turning out to be my worst nightmare. My husband was coaching his first ever game in the State Tournament and I had to try and be strong for him and all the family coming to attend. I immediately thought I should tell him later that night. I didn’t want him to have to have this on him while he had one of the biggest days of his coaching career in front of him. But then- I remembered we are in this together. I came home from the doctor and just cried on his shoulder saying how unfair life is and what in the world did I do to deserve this. We hugged and he unfortunately needed to go to get ready for his big game. He looked back and said to me “I’m gonna win this for you.” It was the sweetest thing ever and obviously what do I do, go cry some more.
Off to the game we all went, me, pretending that nothing just happened. I had to stay strong and I wanted nothing more then to head to the Target Center to support him and his team. They had such an amazing season and I wasn’t going to let this news keep me at home. Unfortunately it didn’t end in his favor but what a proud wife I am. It’s funny because 4 weeks prior, I knew this would be the day we were delivered “the news”. I thought to myself, can you imagine if the doctor called while I’m at Joe’s game and gave us the best news of our lives?! Do I let it go to voicemail so I can let him hear it?! How amazing to run down to the Locker room and deliver him the news that we were pregnant! Instead, we were both defeated that day and what I once envisioned happening, all fell apart in front of my eyes.
So now what- Onward and Upward! That’s all we can do. I’ve taken my time to grieve, cry, pray, and cry some more. We took a vacation to PHX last week which I desperately needed. I had to get away. I needed to occupy my mind with something else. It was time we needed as a family of three to just be together and be thankful and blessed for what we do have in life. I continue to pray and have the attitude that this is where God has me right now. I may not like it, I may not understand, but I’m going to keep doing my best. Someday I’ll use this to my advantage. Infertility doesn’t define me but it sure in hell is a big piece of me. We have a plan and had a great consultation with our Doctor. I trust him and know I’m in good hands. I don’t blame or doubt his process or treatment protocol at all. He has already recommended what he will do next round to try and improve my chances of egg quality and hopefully getting me to a day 5 transfer versus 3 day. He was 100% sincere and felt just as bad as we did that I did not have success this round. Its been nice having a break from a medication and injection schedule and going to the clinic every other day. I wish we could have started right away again, but we all know that’s not how it works. What I just did to my body is completely unnatural and it needs time to heal. I wasn’t able to work out while taking everything so I’m looking forward to getting my health back and being ready to get back at it. We do have our next date scheduled in which I will remain private about. I already know how it all works so I’m hoping I can just relax next round. I’m staying off the internet and staying even farther away from Doctor Google. Honestly- nothing good comes from that and I don’t know why I was so consumed in trying to find constant answers. The only answers I should be looking for is from the Lord. I look forward to taking each day at a time and living life to the fullest, thanking God that we are fortunate to even go through with another round. So if you are needing anyone to pray for- please add the Janquart’s to your list.
As we were leaving Target today, Payton looked and me and says “Mom I can’t wait to be a big sister, how much longer do I have to wait. Can’t we just buy one.” Joe and I kinda just chuckled. In a way I’m so glad she’s only 3 1/2 and doesn’t need an explanation as to what Mommy is going through right now. Although her patience clearly is starting to wear as well. I hope God hears those words come from this adorable, sassy little girls mouth. She deserves every ounce in the world to be a big sister.
And to our two sweet embryos that didn’t make it, I’m so thankful to have been given the chance to be your mom. xoxo