I’ve been waiting to share my update from the past few weeks, I don’t know for what, but tonight it hit me and I felt compelled to write. Writing is very therapeutic for me so I’m hoping by putting this on paper it well help heal with the sadness I’ve been feeling from all these horrible things happening around our world. You may have noticed the title of this post, but I wanted to start tonight’s post with sharing my cousins Go Fund me page. Yesterday morning he lost his two children, ages 10 and 12, in a house fire.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking and as a parent I can’t even imagine the pain he and his family are feeling right now. I ask from the bottom of my heart if you can afford to donate, even a very little amount, it would greatly be appreciated. Nobody deserves this, so all we can do is pray and help with the unfortunate costs they have ahead of them. Hug your loved one’s tight, for tomorrow’s never promised.
With all the sadness in the world right now, it’s really hard for me to sit and sulk over my situation. I have a roof over my head and a healthy family. I actually feel bad writing about “my problems” as I do have a lot to be thankful for. But when you have something missing in your heart that you know should be there, it does make it hard.
Update from my last post-
March came and went. We took a family trip to Arizona and it was much needed. April came and I was supposed to contact my infertility clinic when my next cycle started so we could get moving on our next IVF cycle. Well April came and went but my cycle never did. I really didn’t think much of it. I assumed my body would be all over the board considering all the medication and trauma my body went through in Feb. I decided to take a test. I knew if I called the doctor after I was a few weeks late the first thing they would say is: well did take a pregnancy test? So off to Target I went. I don’t need to rehash all the details, but surely enough the test came back positive. We got pregnant. and we got pregnant naturally. When you have been trying to achieve this for almost 3 years your reactions are all over the place. Happy, Excited, Doubtful, Scared, Surprised, Etc. The list goes on.
Everything was going well…until about the 8 week mark. I started spotting and I knew it wasn’t a good sign. I immediately called the clinic and got in for an ultrasound. There it was, a perfect heartbeat. I pushed all my worries aside and moved on. Until about 2 weeks later and the spotting had still continued. I again demanded to come in, but nobody thought it was urgent, but me! It was May 23rd, I took the day off. I was going to ask to get in one more time with the clinic. How has my hcg level not even been checked to see if it was rising or dropping? I’m not a doctor but shouldn’t that be the first thing you can do, even just tonreassure your patients? The day came and went, nobody again cared to see me. 5 hours later, 7:30pm. I came to realize what was happening to me. I was bleeding, I was miscarrying. Off to the ER we went. We spent a lovely two evenings in the ER, 5-6 hours each night while my body took its time to naturally pass everything. I was immediately referred to a new clinic – I’ve learned I’m just not the right fit for a large clinic, I don’t want to get passed around on the phone, I want to be a person and not a number. Of course I could go on and continue to be angry about my care, but why? I had my days to be bitter, but now it’s time to move on. I’m currently in great hands and feel 100% confident when we do get pregnant again, I will receive compassion and care.
Has all this been devastating – absolutely. I of course have asked why me 1,000 times over. I don’t think I deserve this. Why is it so easy for some people to have babies while others have to continually be heartbroken. I felt empty, we were so close to telling people our exciting news. Three days earlier I had wrote the post I had been dying to write and share for years – instead it got deleted. Our little girl deserves a sibling in the worst way. Of course I already had an adorable outfit and plan to post. But so I’ve learned, its not my plan, it’s God’s. I was able to take some time for myself over the last few weeks. I needed it to heal mentally and physically. I had numerous conversations with people telling me I need to get over the age factor between Payton and our next child. It was honestly a major struggle in my grieving process. My little girl will never experience going to daycare with her little sister or brother. We will never get to drop them off together. That just broke my heart, I don’t know why but it did. I had this perfect plan in my head of how it should be. But as time passed and conversations were had, I’ve completely healed from that. Now I’m focusing on spending all my free time with her. Building memories together that we could never do if I were chasing after another child. It’s an amazing feeling to have my mind focused back on her instead of her future sibling.
A big part of why I share my story is to help others. Believe me, Its not for attention or I’m sorry’s. I knew of people who have miscarried before, but I didn’t entirely realize the process. I felt lost and alone and I don’t want anyone else going through that to ever feel that way! With time, I have been able to heal. Is it hard to go shopping and see pregnant women looking at baby clothes, is it hard to see the constant facebook posts of pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, absolutely. But I will continue to celebrate with those people as I don’t know what they went through. I’ve said it before, but we all have a battle you may know nothing about.
So where do we go from here? I don’t know. And that actually kind of excites me. I’m a planner and maybe not knowing the next step quite yet is a good thing. I read a passage a few mornings ago, “Instead of looking for “signs” and mistakenly drawing the wrong conclusion, may you instead look to the Lord for His strength. God will lead you in the way you should go. He is Faithful and true, and He’s doing a NEW thing in your life!” I absolutely love this and it will be the way In which I try to follow as I continue on this journey. So onward and upward we go! I know there will be a happy ending to our story, we won’t give up, and in the end we will be richer for the battle.
Thank you to everyone who helped get me through the last few weeks: My Mom, My Husband, My Sister, my Dad, my Boss, my friends – who know who you are, the Lord, and my dearest Payton. I love you all.