Since my last update I had a setback. It was probably the hardest month so far. We were all ready to start our IUI procedure. I went in for the baseline ultrasound, excited knowing we finally had a plan in place. I said some prayers in the car on my way there. It honestly didn’t even cross my mind I’d get there & have something go wrong. Well it did…I had each ovary checked- right one, looks great. Left one- oh no…I see a cyst. My heart immediately sank. I knew what that meant. It meant I was going to go home with another month of my dream being shattered. There was only one cyst, which was good, but after all the testing I have had done, why now? Why did this specifically have to appear this month? They asked a bunch of questions and then to top it off made me take a pregnancy test. I was holding back tears the entire time. I just wanted to escape as fast as I could. I finished the test and they told me to call back in a month as it might dissolve on its own.
I left the office and the minute I got in my car, I just sat there and cried. Why me? What am I doing wrong and why do I deserve this? Nobody should have to go through this. It’s absolutely gut wrenching. To try and go on with my everyday life each month when you are continually let down is very hard. It’s hard to believe that there will one day be an end to this process.
I rely on prayer a lot each month. I make sure to stay busy. Before you know it the weeks pass and I find a way to regain my strength again. It’s a rollercoaster ride, but I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. I’m one of the biggest believers in that. For some reason Gods plan isn’t exactly matching up to mine, but in the end, I know I’ll be able to make sense of it – even if its years down the road. I’m a planner, that’s the hardest part of this. I’m not someone who lives life on the edge and tackles each day spontaneously. The first thing I do when I get to work is plan out my entire day. I may be the only human being who carry’s around a ginormous planner in there purse. I like to know exactly what’s going, and there is nothing wrong with that in my mind.
Fast forward four weeks to today…Black Friday – the next ultrasound day. I was bummed I missed out on the yearly tradition of shopping with my mom and sister but in my mind if I got good news that would make up for it! I was nervous. Not for the test, just for the results. What was today going to bring? I didn’t want to go in with high expectations after what I endured last month. So instead, I went in with an open mind knowing that if the cyst was still there then we would look at next options. Medicine, removal of it, etc. I had her start with the Left. I wanted to know right away if that darn thing was still there. She smiles and says looks great (we both know the right still had to be looked at so didn’t get too excited) then move over to the right and that one was great as well. I was in shock, disbelief- the cyst was gone. Was something really going to go my way after the last 22 months? I have a plan – I realize it may not work, but my hope has been restored. God truly works in amazing ways. 28 days ago you would have thought I hit rock bottom, but today I am encouraged again.
Ironically, I am thankful for my journey. I’m learning so much about myself along the way. I know someday I’ll look back and recognize that this time in my life was one of the most important times. He’s building my faith each and everyday. I’m not giving up, I know he is beside me every step of the way and there is a purpose, even if the purpose is to wait. There may not be anything physically happening yet, but mentally & spiritually I’ve gained so much. I’m going to be a better mother and wife for this in the long run.
So to any of you who are going through a hard time in your life, just remember there is a purpose for it. And most importantly you are not alone! I’m honestly so perplexed about infertility and why this happens. I specifically asked the doctor how busy they were today. (remember I’m a planner and I like to know things). She said they had 17 ultrasounds scheduled and were closing at Noon. Seriously?? 17 other women were going through the same thing I am this morning? And this is just a 5 hour time slot out of the entire month. It’s mind blowing. This is a horrible “disease” and my heart goes out to anyone reading this that is going through it. To say making a baby is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life would be an understatement.
Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Although I’m going through a difficult period in life, I know I still have so much to be thankful for.
“When it appears there is no reason to hope, remember that God is working all night long.”